PCOS, In the Dark but Light at End of Tunnel

by Vivian S.
(Covina, CA., Los Angeles)

Hi! I'm Vivian.

Since my first period I've always had very irregular periods (11 years of age) I would only get a few (2-3) periods a year. But they where very heavy and vey embarrassing. I just thought that I was lucky because I could go swimming every summer and I just didn't get cramps.

A year into college I got pregnant with my first daughter; it was the beginning of a downfall (I weighed about 189 lbs). During my pregnancy my facial hair was out of control and waxing was the only option.

After my delivery with a healthy baby I was just so tried and would fall asleep very easily (I weighed about 230 lbs). My husband would find me asleep with our daughter (2 yrs.) awake watching cartoons. The guilt I felt and the guilt I would receive from my husband was a nightmare.

Finding out the name for my nightmare (PCOS) was truly sad, all my doctor could say is: you need to lose weight or go on the pill.

I explained to the doctor that my sister who was much heavier (weight) had a normal period how could I be so irregular (I did not understand).

The next five years where truly hard. I could hardly wake up in the morning to go to work. At work I would have a hard time keeping awake, driving home you don't understand there had to be am angel over us because even driving my eyes would close.

I also had a very irritable personality. I was hard on my self. I was trying to punish myself for being such a bad person (I can now call it depression) all I could thing is I don't want my daughter to be like me.

God never leaves you. We always kept our daughter active, TKD (Tae Kwan Do). Why I joined I really don't know. I guess I wanted to show my daughter that she couldn't give up because her fat mommy was doing it too (I weighed about 245 lbs).

My second daughter, after 8 month's of TKD, I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't lost much weight but I was feeling more alert (good).

The nightmare within the nightmare. I don't understand why I call it a nightmare because it was actually a blessing but the truth is I hated being pregnant (I wish I could take it back but I can't).

I found out that I had diabetes do to the pregnancy since my mom was diabetic and do to a pregnancy and now she was on the waiting list for a kidney and going to dialysis I told myself that I would do diet and exercises.

I now know that anything is possible if you just put your mind to it, but the truth is I hated it.

I had controlled my food and walked faithfully. I was so good that one day the doctor told me that my baby might be 3 lbs. at birth.

I hated myself even more wishing I wasn't pregnant and living in this nightmare.

I decided to eat more protein and one slice of carbs. Our daughter was born 2 weeks early and weighted 5 lbs. 15 ounces, I was relieved.

If things couldn't get worse, my newborn was, (no) is, loud and very colicky and my husband gave me the worst news, I wasn't going to go to work for another year.

What should have been the best year with my daughter was actually a constant fight, guilt, and asking for forgiveness form God, husband and Daughters because I did not want to hold her (the baby). If I was carrying her I had to pray until I got to the car seat or house because I did not want to hold her (depression, baby blues).

The only thing that made me happy was knowing that I could eat whatever I wanted and it shoulded (weight 255 lbs).

The dim light at the end of the tunnel, reading an article about a woman with PCOS and her symptoms was the motivation to find out that PCOS is the handle to the umbrella that is sheltering the warm sun light from shinning on me.

That the umbrella holds many symptoms that I could now throw a dart into.

My new actions are to forgive myself and accept that I can control it (PCOS) and not the other way around.

Talking to my husband and educating my oldest daughter now 10 Yrs. old that PCOS is real and that mom won't let her fight any kind of battle with out weapons (knowledge).

I now take vitamins and minerals and slowly I do feel alert and I am getting my period more regularly.

I know my story is very dark but I tell it this way because I won't want anyone to feel so alone, sad, mad, and hateful.

I know that if you do, PCOS is the one showing its face and I want to let you know that you're not alone and help is out there but you have to have faith and reach out to it. This is my dark story.

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Editor's comments: Wow, what a story! And inspiring.

No matter how difficult and dark life can seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away or how dim.

The whole purpose of this site is to show you there is a light at the end of the tunnel for each and every one of you.

Note how Vivian got into Tai Kwan Do, which provided a structured way for her to move forward and start to get a sense of some control over her own health destiny. This was a very courageous act! It took real guts for Vivian to expose her overweight self to the scrutiny of a Tai Kwan Do instructor and other classmates.

Regular exercise, whatever it is, can have a magical effect on your self-esteem, in addition to the obvious physical benefits such as burning off unwanted pounds of fat.

As for the diet, we all have our ups and downs. If we go on a binge or eat foods that we know are not good for us, there is no point in self-blame. Just get back on track and move on with your life!

Depression and emotional swings are a common aspect of polycystic ovary syndrome. A healthy diet or supplements can help to some extent. For example, fish oil has been shown to relieve depression. And we know that exercise helps to relieve depression and angst.

However, it's helpful to find people with whom to share your feelings. Those people might be health professionals or other women who have PCOS. Self-help books can be a good resource. You can also use self-hypnosis to change what those little voices in your head are telling you.

It's a little disturbing that Vivian did not get better medical help. It's very important for each of you to find one or more health professionals who you feel is actually helping you to improve your health and happiness.

Someone like Vivian might also benefit from selected nutritional supplements, such as d-pinitol.

Finally, PCOS is not something that will go away all by itself. It's a very complex disorder with different manifestations for different women. Regardless of your particular set of symptoms, you will need to be vigilant with implementing good health practices for the rest of your life.

E-Books to Help You Manage PCOS